For the past three decades I have experienced what I believed to be several forms of unintended courage. In some cases I was simply too tempted or too curious, in other cases I was just running from something that I felt was worse. Taking the leap towards something risky, taking on a job or a task I felt not so sure about, learning how to drive (and driving in Bucharest), learning a new language, getting married, having a child, getting divorced, managing a team, leaving a job, telling the truth, staying silent, breaking down, getting back up. Each and every one of these actions included the leaving of comfort and, according to my guru, Dr. Brene Brown’s conclusion, showed courage. Never felt like that in the moment though. [I feel it is important to mention. (so many times we are invited to “have no fear” – where is the courage though if that were true?)]
And yet today, on the morning of starting a new job, in a new country, living in a new home, ready to embark on a new adventure, I feel I have yet to manifest the highest form of courage I am capable of: enjoying my experience.
Even though I can understand why, given the life he has lived, it has been the teaching my father enstilled in me constantly as a child and a young teen that has been one of the most ruinous pieces of belief for me: “always look for the worst case scenario in every situation.” While this may seem like a preventative measure of sorts, meant to prepare a young person for a life well lived (as I am sure it was intended), for me it turned into a limit that in time grew into the monster that chained me to comfort and scared me out of trying something new for fear it was going to break me.
I have always tried new things in spite of myself. In spite of my insides yelling “The worst case scenario!!! The worst case scenario!!” In spite of scenes playing in my brain, more and more skilfully designed through years of practice and thanks to the many resources I have found on daily news, showing me how I can fail, how catastrophe could, in a split second, destroy everything I hold dear, everything I am, everything I have worked hard for. While some may consider this prudency, what I can say, from personal experience, is that it is a 50km/hr wind blowing in my face while I am trying to advance through the journey of life. Over the past half century almost, I have become so adept at creating, considering and fearing worst case scenarios that today, ready to start on a new path I truly would like to be able to enjoy, my insides are shaking and the winds near 70km/hr.
At 46 I can say without a doubt that utmost bravery for me is not speaking my mind, not standing up in front of a crowd to speak, nothing of the kind. The most courageous thing for me is to look at what life is offering, spread my arms wide, allow myself to receive it wholeheartedly, stay in the present and go with the flow. I am lucky to have understood that comfort is a false friend. That true life does lie in the wilderness. That not trying keeps you small, hidden in a corner of life, looking at it through a very narrow keyhole. And to be more fearful of regret than of mistakes. Most times anyway.
Braving the Wilderness, today and every day, this is my intention:
“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”
― Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
Photo by Lance Reis on Unsplash
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