In that moment I realized how incredibly conditioned I had been – by my upbringing, the schools I attended, society, friends, work places I had been part of – to consider that it was only hardship that brought value. That things cannot be easy and good.
“This is how it is done” is a phrase that has peppered my childhood and youth. It is easy and hard to embrace that: you don’t really have to put in much effort, except for the one to conform. And that can be burden if the soul you keep caged longs to be free.
I am wrapping up a week of choosing courage that has rendered me absolutely exhausted. Being a creature of little measure, I threw myself in the rapids with no saving grace to offer myself.
Comfort had tricked me into believing that I was all set, that the changes I needed to still make in myself were small and surface adjacent, that going forward was simply a cruising … . And when truth showed me differently, I freaked out.
The ammunition that fed the war between my mind (aka ego) and my heart (aka soul) were the voices that live constantly in my bones.
When people around me ask what is next, I smile and I speak of a future that is exciting and free. But deep down I am very scared. Of nobody else but myself.