It is hard to find the middle ground between cocky and a doormat. The only thing I can think of to do next, is slow down, slow cooker style. I have to make every next step yogalike, putting each toe down on its own, completely present and feeling all of the feels.
If I am to be very honest with myself, I need to say that my pain doesn’t come from the rejection or ignorance of others. It comes from my measuring myself by that reaction.
Of course, I am over the moon with the fact that I am living a life that is much truer to who I am today than I did twenty years ago. But I am also aware of traps that I fall into because at some point in my life some experiences drew tatoos of trauma on my brain.
In that moment I realized how incredibly conditioned I had been – by my upbringing, the schools I attended, society, friends, work places I had been part of – to consider that it was only hardship that brought value. That things cannot be easy and good.
“This is how it is done” is a phrase that has peppered my childhood and youth. It is easy and hard to embrace that: you don’t really have to put in much effort, except for the one to conform. And that can be burden if the soul you keep caged longs to be free.
I am wrapping up a week of choosing courage that has rendered me absolutely exhausted. Being a creature of little measure, I threw myself in the rapids with no saving grace to offer myself.