The lesson storms keep teaching me and the one I continuously forget is that the only thing I need to (and can) do in eye of the storm is to hold on. Breathe, connect to reality in any way that I can (as tornados uproot everything I thought was firmly grounded in my existence) and I wait it out. If I can, I remember impermanence: this too shall pass.
Today is my first day of sobriety. I am Catalina and I am a what-if-aholic. Day 1 of recovery. What IS. Not what IF.
From the outside looking in, everything should have been ok. “What reasons do you have to feel anxious?” – was a question almost everybody around seemed to be asking. Except for the couple of people who took the time to look into my eyes and noticed life was not there.
Courage is indeed fear walking. But so many times, we, the wounded, mistake recklessness, misplaced self sacrifice for courage. And we get wounded again.
It is from the comfort of my true self that I share with absolutely anyone that I am gay. This is me. Take it or leave it. I am not interested in being changed, I am not interested in your opinion if you are not ready to celebrate me and family. Not accept. Not tolerate. Celebrate. The verb was chosen on purpose.
‘When a kid walks in the room, your child or anybody else’s child,’ she asked her audience that day, ‘does your face light up? That’s what they’re looking for.”
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