I guess someone was eavesdropping on my wish to “strike it big” and realized I already had. And called on my demons to teach me … . They seem to have a way with me … .
Being lonely in a professional or personal relationship, hurts so much more than any time that I fell off the bike, bumped my head or even more than my c-section. I could never be in a relationship, in a family, in a job just to tick a box or because it is “just a job” or because “that is how it is done.” Life is too short. So my new compass is precisely this: Do I matter here? How can I tell?
And after all the planning and the going around in circles, it finally dawned on me: it was not about giving all of my time, not all of my energy, not all of me.
I have always viewed the ascension to leadership, management or board level as the move from a country road to the highway: now I get to actually do things, affect change, move from ideas into action. Now is the time to learn and better myself and, more importantly, make a difference!
“You’re one to talk, you work in a multinational company and you have a really high salary! You are privileged!” I don’t know if it was my woman nature, my metastasized imposter syndrome or the surprise of the interaction that my first reaction to this was shame: “I do have such privilege!”
I have been offered the idea this week that I am going through an identity crisis. I panicked at first – Is this where I get botox, implants? A younger lover? Start wearing really shocking outfits? Oh, I am too old for this s..t . And then I remembered that what the gift of a crisis makes me is not pitiful but privileged