And after all the planning and the going around in circles, it finally dawned on me: it was not about giving all of my time, not all of my energy, not all of me.
I was marveling at how extremely sure I can feel about something one day, swear that it is the good thing to do and feel completely relieved two days later when I have given it up. And I remembered lifetraps and their magnetism.
In that moment I realized how incredibly conditioned I had been – by my upbringing, the schools I attended, society, friends, work places I had been part of – to consider that it was only hardship that brought value. That things cannot be easy and good.
“This is how it is done” is a phrase that has peppered my childhood and youth. It is easy and hard to embrace that: you don’t really have to put in much effort, except for the one to conform. And that can be burden if the soul you keep caged longs to be free.
I am wrapping up a week of choosing courage that has rendered me absolutely exhausted. Being a creature of little measure, I threw myself in the rapids with no saving grace to offer myself.
Comfort had tricked me into believing that I was all set, that the changes I needed to still make in myself were small and surface adjacent, that going forward was simply a cruising … . And when truth showed me differently, I freaked out.