The lesson storms keep teaching me and the one I continuously forget is that the only thing I need to (and can) do in eye of the storm is to hold on. Breathe, connect to reality in any way that I can (as tornados uproot everything I thought was firmly grounded in my existence) and I wait it out. If I can, I remember impermanence: this too shall pass.
One of the most dangerous traps that we all fall into (but that is poison to people suffering from mental illnesses) is comparing our insides with other people’s outsides. Especially to the snippets we see of other people on social media.
I had no graduations. The high school I attended was too new, the scent of communism was still in the air and people still hated pomp and circumstance. When I graduated from college … well, the best I can come up with is that nobody really gave it a thought. So this morning I woke up imagining my ideal graduation.
Today is my first day of sobriety. I am Catalina and I am a what-if-aholic. Day 1 of recovery. What IS. Not what IF.
From the outside looking in, everything should have been ok. “What reasons do you have to feel anxious?” – was a question almost everybody around seemed to be asking. Except for the couple of people who took the time to look into my eyes and noticed life was not there.
Courage is indeed fear walking. But so many times, we, the wounded, mistake recklessness, misplaced self sacrifice for courage. And we get wounded again.
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