From the outside looking in, everything should have been ok. “What reasons do you have to feel anxious?” – was a question almost everybody around seemed to be asking. Except for the couple of people who took the time to look into my eyes and noticed life was not there.
I looked at the face my brain knew to be mine in those photos and my heart did not recognize that stranger. And that same heart was deeply grateful to the stranger on the screen. For hanging in there, for taking all of the darkness in, for staring the it in the face and being patient enough to hope and wait for the light.
The past fortnight has been fascinating – I had front row seats to an interesting display of humanity. None of it quite expected, each piece
While we always make generous assumptions about people everywhere, we work hard to uphold our boundaries and stay within our integrity.
I am peaking behind me before closing the door on the year in a couple of days. I was human this year. There were moments when my actions were popular, not honest. There were moments when I could have been silent and I wasn’t. There were moments when my courage surprised even me. There were moments I loved people and moments I wished I was alone in the world. I felt freedom and I felt lost. I saw purpose and felt like giving up.
We are entering a VERY tough time in the year. Don’t be fooled by the idea that there are twinkles everywhere – the darkness we carry gets so much worse when everything around us lets us know we are different, inadequate. There is so much pressure this time of year to be happy, to be joyful, to show it, to make others happy, to be with others regardless of the fact that loneliness hurts so much more in the middle of a crowd.
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