While we always make generous assumptions about people everywhere, we work hard to uphold our boundaries and stay within our integrity.
I am peaking behind me before closing the door on the year in a couple of days. I was human this year. There were moments when my actions were popular, not honest. There were moments when I could have been silent and I wasn’t. There were moments when my courage surprised even me. There were moments I loved people and moments I wished I was alone in the world. I felt freedom and I felt lost. I saw purpose and felt like giving up.
We are entering a VERY tough time in the year. Don’t be fooled by the idea that there are twinkles everywhere – the darkness we carry gets so much worse when everything around us lets us know we are different, inadequate. There is so much pressure this time of year to be happy, to be joyful, to show it, to make others happy, to be with others regardless of the fact that loneliness hurts so much more in the middle of a crowd.
I can’t tell exactly why it is this time that I truly heard messages about the planet being ill. Maybe because I can feel it affecting me, maybe because I am getting old myself, maybe because I know what it is like to suffer from something unseen while everyone around you tells you to just get a grip or that there is nothing wrong. The only planet we will ever have has been depressed for a while now. With very few of us noticing.
The letter told me (as I am sure it told others too), that my experience did not match what they were looking for. Of course, I can’t contradict them, they know what they are looking for. It wasn’t the potential employers I was getting ready to stand up against. It was my dreaded inner critic.
I am intense and often emotions push me to react before I should. I knew it would be hard for me to allow for such a space, so I have been focusing on my ability to create it. And I made progress. I had been certain that the hardest thing for me to ever do is pause between stimulus and response. It never occured to me what a priviledge and ordeal it is to be in this space between.