Born with the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband is doing his very best to convince his wife that she is insane (only for him to end up as the victim, ha!), the term gaslighting refers to the process of manipulation through which someone comes to question their sanity and even reality around them. Gaslighting is incidious, dangerous and very hard to spot by the victim.
For the past three decades I have worked hard to understand myself and my environment, to learn as much as I could about the brain, my brain in particular, relationship with others, things I like and don’t like, what is good for me and what is not. Many have commented on my continuous quest for knowledge as something more on the obsessive side, with no real goal in sight, rather than a well thought through journey. And I would lie to say my search is permanently driven by a well carved out purpose. But it is definitely a journey that has taken me far, personally and professionally. So the other day when a realization hit me, it felt like going back to square one on my understanding of myself on many levels. Because this realization felt foundational to me.
I have always been emotional or maybe a better description would be, a person with intense emotions – I am not entirely sure they are the same thing. Whether I am happy, sad or in between, balance is not really my thing. I have always gone all in. I think I even do “balanced” quite intensely. I don’t really know half ways into action or inaction.
Based on the reactions of people around me, mostly men, I have always believed I am too much. I have always gone inside myself to criticize reactions I have, be them crying or laughing too hard, hugging someone I just met, telling something like it is, speaking too much or giving someone the look, the cold shoulder or the finger. Not only but mostly men around me have a sleek way of inviting doubt into my mind about the way I carry myself: head tilted to the side, half smile, hand on the shoulder – “Are you doing ok?” Or, upon my acknowledging emotions are present while I still want them to hear what I am saying, “Oh, yeah, we know you get emotional. Just take it easy (and we will just file what you said in the Catalina having a day folder).” Or sometimes just a patronizing look of “oh, poor woman!”
I am very perceptive. And I have been conditioned to look outside of myself for guidance about how I should feel, look, behave and react. So I see their reaction clearly, my gut instantly has something to say about it (surprising, I know!). Whether it be just slightly raising an eyebrow, the hand on the shoulder, a patronizing smile or faking concern about my unwell mental state the message gets to me, loud and clear. My problem is not that. My problem is that instead of looking them in the eye and asking “What makes you think I am not ok?” or “Can you tell me more about your expression right now?”, I run back into my shell, ashamed, lashing inwards about yet another time when I was not able to rain myself in. As if I am this wild horse that needs to be put in chains. Wait, aren’t wild horses beautiful beings? Sorry … I digress.
So walking back from work one day I find myself wondering why someone I said hello to in the hallway looked at me like I was dying and asked how I was and upon my “fine” doubled up with an “are you sure?” And on how my very first thought at that was not what’s up with him but oh my gosh, I bet my face doesn’t look good, I bet I did not have the appropriate expression, what if I transmitted the wrong type of vibe, was my tone ok?
What I love most about the way I learn is my aha moments. I hear things over and over again and they make no difference to me. I forget them instantly. And one day, when I am ready, I hear them again and they hit the very right spot and fall into place bringing in another piece of the puzzle that is me. So what if the way I am is good and people questioning my sanity simply have a hard time with it? Moreso, what if they are trying to gaslight me into thinking that I am not well? What if the problem is theirs and not mine? What if my strong emotions are signposts that point towards things that are important to me, my values, my north star?
I am grateful for this realization. I will not be a different person starting today, a lifetime stash of doubt can’t disappear overnight, but a serious dent has been dealt into the wall of pre conceived ideas that I carry with me everywhere. And when that happens, it cannot be undone. Because it only takes a crack for the light to get in.
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