It annoyed me that she rolled her eyes and that she did not seem as positive as I had anticipated her to be. After all, I was proposing a wonderful idea, picking up on a project that would help the organization – what was her problem? I left her office frustrated and, to be honest, swearing a bit under my breath. As I was walking back to my office it dawned on me. She was me, a little while ago, rolling my eyes at yet another expat who was chirpy and reinventing a wheel I had invented years before but nobody paid attention to it or which had been discarded … for better ideas.
Working as an expat in an international school today, I feel that I have been offered such a learning opportunity through this turn of tables. For 21 years I was a “citizen stayer” and welcomed, more or less wholeheartedly, colleagues from around the world as they arrived to work alongside me. In my late twenties, I started by being quite excited and flattered when they asked questions, came up with ideas and I jumped at every opportunity to support. Flash forward two decades and I could just punch anyone who was new and came in with a “great idea.” Yeah, punch them before they even uttered the end of “I want to run something by you … .” As a citizen stayer, someone who had been in the same school for a long time I was tired. Exhausted. Of having to prove myself each and every time to a new boss or a new colleague. Faking excitement no longer worked when people asked basic questions about my country they could have simply researched before arrival. The rawness of friendship roots simply uplifted from the tissue of my heart by colleagues who had become friends and said goodbye one June never to be heard from again became an open scar I had to start protecting: no more friendships for me. Too painful. Ultimately, it got to be too much. I left. Vouched to never work in such an environment again. For someone who connects deeply with people, this was torture.
A few days into my uncertainty plunge (as I call my one year of working on my own), I decided to apply to become a volunteer for Safe Passage Across Networks. If anyone asks me today why I did that, I cannot formulate a coherent answer. I place this choice on the same shelf with those that you make because your gut and not your brain is advocating too loudly for it to pass it by. I had no idea why I applied. I wasn’t going to go back into schools anyway. Or so I thought.
Joining this group of absolutely remarkable humans, fully dedicated to supporting all in understanding what transitions are and their impact on our wellbeing, created my safe passage to the life I live today in absolute disbelief that something so wonderful could be happening to me. To ME!
Immersing myself in all things SPAN, reading, taking part in the certificate course, in meetings and processing every event in order to communicate and represent, helped me understand that the pain I was feeling was the result of lack of transitions care. It helped me understand that “citizen stayers”, those people who are always left behind are ALSO in transition. That, without any choice of their own, their lives change too and that many times there is a surprise factor that increases the pain. Little by little I understood why it all felt overwhelming, I realized how we are all connected and how there is no each one of us. There is just us. I was mad, I cried, I remembered and I … exhaled.
And one day a job opportunity came about and the rest is history. But not the same history. Because I am a part of the SPAN family, I RAFTED well and I dragged my family with me on the raft and I attribute our happiness today, how well we have settled in a foreign country, new school, new workplace exclusively to transitioning well. And this is not all.
Probably the best part of this story for me is unveiling every day as I go to work. I am now the expat coming in chirpy, with new ideas about old things that have been done before. And while I still make mistakes (mostly because my enthusiasm is like boiling milk most times, it quickly escalates into overflowing), there are some things I have done, thanks to all of the knowledge I obtained volunteering alongside the beautiful team at SPAN that I realized I must do: be a mindful arriver. Arrive not as someone who has things to show but as someone who has things to learn. As someone who has two ears and one mouth: listening primarily and then speaking. And that mostly to ask more questions.
If you are on your way to arriving somewhere new soon, here are some small but very important things you can do to mindfully interact with the (grieving) stayers you will find at your destination:
- Make sure you RAFT yourself out of the destination you are leaving – it will allow you to grieve, heal, cry, laugh, bring closure, create memories, leave well. You will be a more relaxed presence to be around once you arrive. There will be space in your heart to fully take in the new part of your journey.
- While you are thinking about your destination, read about it. Look up the history of the organization, details about the country, try to learn a bit of the language. It will create a great feeling of connection when you meet with the stayers. Time is our most valuable resource. Taking time to learn about the past you are moving into shows consideration.
- Pick up a yearbook from the year before and each time you receive an email, look up the person. See their face, look at what they do. When you see them it will be easier to connect the face with the name. Ask them how long they have been at the school and listen to what they have to say. To understand, not to respond.
- When great ideas start aknocking, as they sure will, start from understanding what was to get to what will be. Ask someone if what you are thinking about has been done before. Read as much as you can get your hands on about it. Ask questions. Grow in the knowledge before you propose new actions.
- As much as you can, share meaningful moments with the stayers. If you truly want to grow roots in the place you have just arrived at, remember that stayers are the backbone. They are the stones in the stream. Everyone else around them comes and goes. It is their school. Everything that happens there is tied to the strings of their hearts. Strike these precious strings carefully.
As I write these, so many more come to my mind. I feel so privileged to have been offered the opportunity to see this “from the other side” and I hope to be better in my connecting with the humans of my current school. And I feel even more privileged to have such amazing guides as my circle of friends / mentors / teammates at SPAN. I am such a better person for being in their presence in this lifetime. Thank you SPAN!
Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash
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