I am not broken. I am a goddamn cheetah.

I crawled through my last month of my first year working abroad. Change, a lot of work, more change, culture clash, more work, all of these and each in turn felt heavier and heavier as I journeyed through this new stage of my life. And nothing was harder to carry than the labels I was slapped with when people around me (mostly white males) thought I was “too much”: too emotional, too frustrated, too angry, too intense, I cared too much, I was too judgemental … too, too, too.

The really yucky part of gaslighting is that at some point, especially when I am tired, I start internalising what I am being told. And even though I continue to feel like myself on the inside, I start to look at that through a very dangerous filter: what do I need to tame to fit in? Over the past couple of weeks it got to the point where it started to feel hopeless that I could ever be different, while I did not really understand why I should be. So I asked love what it would have me know about this situation. And here is what love wrote to me, using my hand:

“Our love, you are not broken. You have never been, nor will you ever be broken. The beauty of you lies as much in your silences as in your outbursts. In the contemplative you and in the passionate you, however that manifests. You are beautiful, inside and out and that is not something which needs to be decided based on other people’s opinion of you.

Our dear one, people around us, regardless of how close they are too us and how much they love us, see only a part of us. Nobody can see inside of us, only we know every aspect of our feelings and what propels us into action. This is why we are the only ones responsible for them. Each and every person (including yourself) judges the others through the filter of their life experience and wants and biases and wishes and frustrations … and … and … and. There are so many filters. And it’s ok that they don’t ‘get you’ as long as you do.

There is nothing wrong with being who you are. That is who you are … . The only thing you can be thoughtful about is what you do, how you react. Between stimulus and response there lies a pause. Remember this pause, this is your moment to shape the next one. And in that pause, breathe in to tame the fire in you, especially when it was fed by biases, injustice, manipulation, gaslighting, lies … . Breathe and before you act, ask yourself: is it SAFE for me to show my heart and emotions here?

Yes, we realize how you might feel that we are inviting you to be guarded here and how that seems cagey to you but it is not so. What we are saying is DON’T INVITE EVERYONE INTO THE BEAUTIFUL SPACE OF YOUR HEART. That is a privilege that not everyone deserves and a place not everyone can handle.

You are perfectly able to feel and know in your body who is safe and worthy of that space IF you take the time to breathe, pause and observe, let the fire subside and listen to your heart. What has never served you is trying to shortcircuit connection (that may never happen anyway) through inviting people into the vulnerable space of … you regardless. And allowing them to come in with dirty boots, loud, screeching music of ‘let me tell you how it’s done’ or ‘let me tell you how you should behave’. The only thing that has ever done was deeply hurt and disappoint you.

What has never served you is acting from your fire, especially in a crowd. And sometimes two is a crowd. This only got you labels and when they were stuck on you it felt like a stabbing: too intense, unstable, too strong, too …

You be you. Always. There is nothing wrong with you, with how you feel and with what you feel. Here is the challenge however: hold your feelings and reactions you feel coming into your light, talk to yourself like you would talk to a beloved friend, validate your reactions (they always, always make sense) and sit with them for a while. Allow. Breathe. Then look around with presence and intention and ask yourself: is it safe for me to react? is it wise? is it constructive? (for both you and the others). And only when you can feel it in your gut that the answer to all these questions is a yes, only then proceed to show yourself.

And one important thing: venting and dumping are not good reasons to show yourself and how deeply you feel. Nobody outside of yourself will be able to offer you the validation you need. That only comes from inside. Slow down, trust yourself, love yourself enough to be selfish about who you share yourself with.

You are not broken, you are a goddamn cheetah!”

Photo by Christin Noelle on Unsplash