(or the title that never came to me)
This September marks 19 years of meaningful and life altering psychotherapy for me. Almost two decades ago was the first time someone, tasked with lighting a way through the spider’s web that was my mind (and personal life at the time), pointed me towards articles and books that were part of the category we call “self-help.” A couple of years later, I discovered Dr. Brene Brown and a dam broke. A dam of thirst: for wisdom, for ideas, for learning. For finding.
On any given moment, I am either listening to a podcast, taking a course or reading a book – preferably two at a time, one for professional development and one fiction, hopefully to put my brain to sleep. I have now added an MBA to that. Just for kicks … . From the outside looking in this might seem worthy of admiration. Often times I receive questions like “how do you do it?” or statements like “you read more than anyone I know.” Sufficient to infuse my brain with enough dopamine for it to shout: “Again!” “More!”
The other day I got upset with my partner because, as I was explaining something I had heard on a podcast around perimenopause (my new subject of interest for obvious reasons), she did not have the reaction I was looking for. On the contrary, the statement she made went along the lines of “here you are again, digging and digging” or “are you again looking in places outside of yourself to define what is happening within? Is that smart?” The upset, bordeline rage, I felt inside as a reaction stopped me in my furious tracks and resonated with something I had heard on a podcast (I know, the irony is not lost on me, haha!) about addiction, just a few days before. The podcast host was explaining how, in the deep of his work addiction, when his life partner was telling him that he works too much and that it had become unhealthy, he would get enraged and start bringing up all of the reasons that he could think of that were justifying his inhumane work load.
Raging on the inside, I had a heated argument with my partner about my constantly seeking to listen, to find out, to read, to distill, to learn: how else do you think I could have grown in the manner that I have, if not by learning continuously and so exhaustively? What a great thing for her that she was not present for the fight. Like most of our arguments, this was happening in my head – the place of all my mischief. And it all sounded too much like the discussion on the podcast the other day. Wow, another addiction … . What to though? Learning? Self discovery? Seeking?
I can clearly identify the behavior: I get upset when those around me tell me it’s too much. I feel out of place when I don’t do it and if I make myself stop I don’t know what to do with myself. But what I am addicted to, I cannot tell. Hmm, I wonder if there are books or podcasts about this … . No, really! 😉
Jokes aside, these are such tricks my mind is playing! These situations where I can see definite benefits and I feel encouraged by praise and at the same time I am unable to tell when I have crossed to the side of too much, unhealthy and mind numbing are such a mind fluck for me. As I am mostly smart in retrospect, I realize I am gone tens and tens of steps after I crossed this threshold. It will be one of the pinnacles of my existence to wake up closer to the threshold, potentially right before it, to be able to realize, in the middle of the race that I need to slow down, and even more importantly, to actually do it.
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