Disconnection from people who mean something to me at some point in my life has always felt like a wound that pointed my gaze inwards: What have I missed? Why is this not working anymore? What is wrong with me? The silence of lately has prompted me to want to look at disconnection from different angles. It felt like when pain medicine doesn’t work or isn’t available and one turns to breathing through the pain in order to sustain their sanity.
At some point, someone took pity on my crying over the spilled milk of a friendship and said: maybe we are not meant to travel together all the time. Maybe we just accompany each other for part of the way. And that is fine, we help each other grow and then we move on. Sometimes in different directions. And while still inflicting pain, this made sense to me. It made me think of trees: if it were not for pruning, they would never grow richer and higher. I am sure pruning hurts the trees and I am also sure they don’t get why their branches have left them. Until others come along and make them even more beautiful. Old branches never forgotten, the trees get to grow stronger, sustain crazier winds and offer cooler shade.
Looking back I can see the many times my choices on my life journey served as the gardener of my relationship tree and pruned away at my friendships. This school and not the other – pruning. Marriage – pruning. Infertility – pruning. Depression – pruning. Divorce – pruning. Coming out – pruning. Success – pruning. No to bullshit – pruning. Job change – pruning. Relocation – pruning. Return – pruning. There is beauty in the space every pruning leaves for new branches, a clearing for new relationships buds to travel with me further. The challenge of this is allowing my heart to open to the new branches, embracing them like they will be with me forever and turning my gaze away from the knowing that another pruning will come soon.
I think the tree of me is taking a break from pruning these days. The last few journey jerks have left her quite so bare and there seems to be more pain than excited awaiting of new buds. There are a few new buds already showing up as if to say don’t you worry, life journeys are not made to be walked alone. And then there are those branches that have been with me so long they are now part of my trunk. And it is still the hardest pruning yet. Makes me wonder: do trees hibernate?
Photo by Melanie Sykes on Unsplash
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