The mouse wheel

My job used to be an anchor for me. When did it get to be this mouse wheel that buries me? Slowly, but surely … .

I was sitting this morning contemplating possibly connecting about this with an individual who might really get what I am feeling and be able to offer some words of encouragement and advice and I am so scared by the fact that I cannot think of anyone. And not because I don’t have people around me who care. I am very fortunate that I do. Mostly because of my inner gremlins telling me I should shut up, that I am paid well for Romania, that other people have it so much worse around the world and that I am getting stuck on a champagne problem. And maybe I am … .

The thing is, that spark that I used to get when working is important to me. Vital. I went from thinking about and designing conferences, campaigns and strategies to being a glorified assistant to a community that really expects 150% and has no real appreciation for it. I haven’t learned anything new in a long time. I have not engaged in meaningful, fruitful actions. I do the same things every day, talk about things I don’t necessarily recognise or believe in any longer and pretend … for the most part, that everything is ok. Not sure which one is harder.

I keep telling myself (and have been for a LONG while) that something will happen. That something will snap and that I will find my groove again. And time passes and things move on in the same manner and in the same vein and I get more and more depleated.

The last time I was here, the ending was abrupt. A kick start to a new life, but abrupt. Not sure how I will handle this at 42. Kind of expected this to be the peak and instead … it is something I cannot even define.

My heart is heavy and my smile absent today. This situation makes me think of that dream that I know most of us sometime have, where we know we are talking but no sound is coming out. There has got to be more somewhere … I just can’t reach it.

4 comments

  1. Great piece, on many levels: how you express it but importantly – you are doing the most important exercise: you are seeing and identifying, giving it a name. The “it” is the caterpillar that you are feeling now, outgrowing your cocoon, preparing your “burst” into the new phase of you. How and when is actually not our job to think of. The only thing we can control is our reaction to what organically is happening – we outgrowing our own life circumstances. So what can we do, when we feel we are passing our “delivery” due time (we are delivered/borne over and over again to a new phase of us each time)…and nothing is happening? How can we make sure that this feeling doesn’t hijacks our “wait”, how can we tell when it is time “to actually push some more” and plot through our free will our preparation for the birth? That is an amazing learning opportunity in se, as well.

    Long story short, we are never delivered to our next phase of life if we do not out-grow our previous “womb”, and knowing this is part of the excitement of the whole thing: process and the actual new phase. You “are expecting” to have a new you. Congratulations. Keep thinking of the new name of you, new plans and desires for the new you. Thank you so much for making this so clear to me today, for sharing this with me, and for making me part of your experience. 🙂

    Like

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