Looking back, before I close the door on 2022, I try to carry with me only what is useful. Every end of the year is a portal to a new beginning and what we take with us is always our choice. We can choose to carry everything and enter the year heavy and tired. Or we can choose to leave some things behind and only take a few useful lessons we could not grow without. I am not kidding myself that this is easy. I am just writing it here so I can read this later and remember.
2022 marked the year of my second divorce. Another love relationship gone dry. Looking back to ten years ago when I divorced the father of my child I can see I had packed some things tight and took them with me into the future. They weighed me down.
When I got divorced in 2012, I had fallen out of love long before I actually left the relationship. My heart and spirit had left the building long before my body did. I always assumed it was me to blame. The bond between the two of us could not be completely broken because we shared a beautiful son. Regardless of our wishes, we had to see each other, talk to each other, stand each other. Because of him. And I am grateful because it taught me a bit more patience, a bit more tolerance and had me sit with a decision I made just for me, for my wellbeing, until I fully understood that I had in fact chosen life to death. (Death did do us part eventually. If you don’t count nightmares and extended family.)
When I left the organization I had been a part of and loved for 21 years, it was my second divorce. We had mutually fallen out of love with each other and the relationship was becoming toxic – to both of us. Looking back, I am amazed at how little I had learned from my previous break-up. I had fallen out of love long before I left. My heart and spirit had left the building long before my body did. I had always assumed it was me to blame. Having carried all of these from the past, I guess I felt compelled to put them to use. Or maybe, they were just a default.
The Universe is not convinced I got it and is using our most beautiful achievement, our son as a bridge once more. I left a school where he continues to be a student. We live behind the school so I pass it every day. Remembering, mourning, distilling, patting myself on the back some days, sighing others. Still processing. Never regretting.
It would be silly of me to conclude 2022 with big dreams for the following year. Who knows what life has in store? Who knows what I will do with what I am given? I am peaking behind me before closing the door on the year in a couple of days. I was human this year. There were moments when my actions were popular, not honest. There were moments when I could have been silent and I wasn’t. There were moments when my courage surprised even me. There were moments I loved people and moments I wished I was alone in the world. I felt freedom and I felt lost. I saw purpose and felt like giving up. I don’t expect any less of 2023 but who knows … .
I am taking very light luggage with me into 2023. Two lessons really. And because truths are universal and they apply to all walks of life, these lessons will serve me both personally and professionally.
In 2023 I hope to be kind, not nice. In 2023 I will remind myself that, to know my truth, I have to get quiet and listen inside. The answer always lies in that quiet voice. I hope to hear it more.
Bring it on 2023!
Photo by Behnam Norouzi on Unsplash