It is a rainy morning here in Copenhagen. As it pours on a dark mid October morning I am walking my dogs in a silent, still asleep city, completely absent from the walk. There is a podcast on but I am not listening to that either. It is a miracle I can remember the way I am going. I am too busy judging. The list is long: so and so is too laid back, the other one did not pay enough attention to me and my issues, another person took a sick day when they didn’t look really sick. And, of course, nobody works and cares more than me.
For the longest time, a.k.a. (my) forever, the words self compassion spelled weakness, excuse and danger to me. The trap that I set up my cushy nest in runs a non stop radio station that blasts messages to me every breathing moment, when I am awake and often when I am asleep: self compassion is for woosies, sure, be self compassionate and you won’t achieve anything, you know hard work, all the time, is the only way. I have recognized this trap as home for such a long time that any other realms seem foreign and scary, I don’t understand the language spoken in them and I feel too tired and overwhelmed by the endeavour to even try to make a start. It has always been much easier to crack the whip on myself than on others, to take things on rather than delegate, to beat myself up about the one thing that did not work out than praise myself for the five I did get right. And most of all, it has been the hardest to whisper to myself upon failure or upon realizing my limitations: it’s ok, you are human.
The problem with self compassion, or better said with the lack of it is that you cannot be a kind human to others when you are a complete witch to yourself. As I get older this elephant grows larger and takes up more of the room. I keep saying I want to be kinder, I want to judge less, I want to presume positive intentions and I want to be patient and listen more than talk. But every morning when it is raining inside and outside I realize I get farther and farther from that lofty goal with every self judgment, self disregard, lack of self forgiveness.
The problem with compassion is that the door too it is called self compassion. Unless you try it on yourself first and therefore see the door and learn to open it, there is absolutely no way you can open the door for others.
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