Thoughts upon reading Strong Ground by Dr. Brene Brown
I could not fall asleep last night until I finished Dr. Brene Brown’s new book, Strong Ground. It is dense and, if memory serves me right, the most business related book that she has written so far. It is actually less about business and more about leadership (talk about paying attention to the times) but examples come primarly from business. And sports. 🙂
I know that, to many, I sound quite cheesy when I say that Dr. Brown’s work has changed my life. It’s fine, I like cheese. And she has – because she changed the way I think and react. Sometimes. 🙂 I am always nervous when she publishes another book – will I be disappointed, me, “the mighty reader”? But her recipe is always the same: research, research and research and all wrapped up in the experience of many. I imagine this is why her books are all gems.
One of the frameworks that she introduces in her newest book, Strong Ground, is already helping me express something I felt but did not know how to verbalize in both personal and professional realms: the above and below the line framework. If for nothing else, pick up the book just for this: because, I feel, it empowers us all to have more honest and grounded conversations with our colleagues and families. And if this mad, mad world needs anything now is more honest and grounded people to hold it from going to pieces.
What Dr. Brown explains about this framework is that the line is always fear. When we are above the line, we are afraid but we are still the ones in the driver’s seat. The way this looks like in a meeting or in a conversation is saying something like: “I can feel myself getting below the line, I need 15 minutes,” and going to walk around the office/building, going into the bathroom for some breathing exercises or a good cryout and returning to the discussion from a different standpoint.
What I found fascinating was what Dr. Brown describes that happens when we fall below the line, don’t realize it consciously and we then continue to be in the conversation or the meeting from that place. The first time I heard about The Karpman Drama Triangle is not a happy memory. It was in a meeting with someone who pushed all my buttons and I had gotten to actually disrespect deep inside because of the apparent lack of shared values. But that did not make the triangle less valid, fortunately. Here the triangle is again, as Dr. Brown explains that, below the line of fear, we interact as either the victim (“This always happens to me, the world is against me!”), the hero (“I always have to do the heavy lifting in this team!”) or the villain (“Can’t you all get your s**t together for once?” – usually yelled, not spoken).
When I read that, I closed my eyes and replayed the many meetings I ran from so deep below the line that I could not even see the line anymore. The divide it drove each time. And I also understood the vulnerability that it takes (especially when you are in a position of leadership) to be so present with yourself in such hard circumstances that you understand you are falling below the line, you stop the meeting or the conversation, admit to where you are and pause. And return to have an interaction from a different place.
It is the same Dr. Brown who reminds us that there is no courage without vulnerability (which she defines as risk, uncertainty and emotional exposure). No courage without fear either.
Photo: Penguin Books
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