I can’t tell exactly why it is this time that I truly heard messages about the planet being ill. Maybe because I can feel it affecting me, maybe because I am getting old myself, maybe because I know what it is like to suffer from something unseen while everyone around you tells you to just get a grip or that there is nothing wrong. The only planet we will ever have has been depressed for a while now. With very few of us noticing.
If I am to be very honest with myself, I need to say that my pain doesn’t come from the rejection or ignorance of others. It comes from my measuring myself by that reaction.
The letter told me (as I am sure it told others too), that my experience did not match what they were looking for. Of course, I can’t contradict them, they know what they are looking for. It wasn’t the potential employers I was getting ready to stand up against. It was my dreaded inner critic.
I am intense and often emotions push me to react before I should. I knew it would be hard for me to allow for such a space, so I have been focusing on my ability to create it. And I made progress. I had been certain that the hardest thing for me to ever do is pause between stimulus and response. It never occured to me what a priviledge and ordeal it is to be in this space between.
As I progress towards the fifth decade of my life, I realize that changing my mind about things may not be my greatest flaw but in fact a superpower. Allowing myself the possibility to re-think, to reconsider, has given me a freedom that I didn’t even know I was seeking.
I was no longer mad at the Eurostar for no wifi and no cell coverage. I understood immediately that we cannot find ourselves and each other truly in the distraction and the constant noise of our daily lives. That we can only go into that place inside us where we are able to connect deeply if everything else is quiet. No wonder the divine only found me in the Eurostar, deep underwater.
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