My ritual of tuning out joy started when I was very young, probably quite oblivious to what I was actually doing. Like a magic formula, I made myself shut the door in its face each time joy came knocking, foolishly believing that if I pretended I did not hear anyone at the door, the panic in its wake will disappear too.
I have always been very afraid of sounding boastful, ridiculous, too full of myself. And my fear, well fed by the chasing away of imaginary people in the window clapping at my successes, is that great that I have unlearned (if I ever knew) or never learned how to enjoy the moments when I do get things right.
I find real connection with fellow beings to be wonderful and exciting and I look for it in every person I interact with. It is both my strength and my Achille’s heel. I don’t understand the meaning of our lives on this planet if we aren’t going to function as what we actually are: one. Connected.
There is a small voice inside that always, always knows. When we get silent, cut out the noise of other people’s standards, expectations and demands, this voice becomes loud and clear and leads you to unimaginable rainbows.
Just sayin’ …