Of course, I am over the moon with the fact that I am living a life that is much truer to who I am today than I did twenty years ago. But I am also aware of traps that I fall into because at some point in my life some experiences drew tatoos of trauma on my brain.
For the first time in my life I understood that feeling afraid, unsure and shaky did not mean I should not go forward, these were not signs of impending failure, they were opportunities for courage.
What we tell ourselves about our actions, about the things we do well but especially about the things we fail to do as well as we wish is a way to shape or reshape our thoughts and behavior.
I guess someone was eavesdropping on my wish to “strike it big” and realized I already had. And called on my demons to teach me … . They seem to have a way with me … .
Being lonely in a professional or personal relationship, hurts so much more than any time that I fell off the bike, bumped my head or even more than my c-section. I could never be in a relationship, in a family, in a job just to tick a box or because it is “just a job” or because “that is how it is done.” Life is too short. So my new compass is precisely this: Do I matter here? How can I tell?
Life seems to be a cruel but really professional therapist: only throwing at us tough questions we are supposed to find the answers to ourselves, the hard way.