What makes a difference in our lives is moving ourselves forward when there is no twinkle in sight, after we have just quit. Moment after moment after moment we begin again after quitting again and before we know it, looking back, we realize we moved a mountain.
And after all the planning and the going around in circles, it finally dawned on me: it was not about giving all of my time, not all of my energy, not all of me.
I was marveling at how extremely sure I can feel about something one day, swear that it is the good thing to do and feel completely relieved two days later when I have given it up. And I remembered lifetraps and their magnetism.
In that moment I realized how incredibly conditioned I had been – by my upbringing, the schools I attended, society, friends, work places I had been part of – to consider that it was only hardship that brought value. That things cannot be easy and good.
“This is how it is done” is a phrase that has peppered my childhood and youth. It is easy and hard to embrace that: you don’t really have to put in much effort, except for the one to conform. And that can be burden if the soul you keep caged longs to be free.
I am wrapping up a week of choosing courage that has rendered me absolutely exhausted. Being a creature of little measure, I threw myself in the rapids with no saving grace to offer myself.